Moving to a new country is an exciting and challenging experience. You leave behind all that is familiar to embark on a journey to a country you may know little about. Your life as you knew it has gone, and in its place is a world of opportunities and adventure.
How you tackle this new chapter in your life will have a huge bearing on how you adapt, make friends and create a network for yourself. From my own experience of moving three times in the last 6 years, and speaking to many expat spouses, I have put together an “Expat Spouse tool kit”. This tool kit is designed to offer you some skills to help make your transition into a new country a rewarding and positive experience.
The Expat tool kit
1. Make your house a home.
When you arrive in a new country, unusual sights, smells and noises surround you. Your home becomes your sanctuary away from a world you are not yet familiar with. Write a checklist of the sort of features you would like in your house then set out to find the one that ticks the most boxes. When you find it surround yourself with your favorite photos, furniture and trinkets. Create a space that is comfortable and inviting, an oasis you can retreat to. I was given this advice only a few days after we moved to HCMC, and I found it invaluable. While it meant it took me months to find the perfect house, once I did, it was truly our escape from the chaos of Vietnam.
2. Start a Gratitude journal
A great friend of mine introduced me to the “Gratitude journal” when I was going through a particularly difficult time. Get yourself a nice notebook, sit it beside your bed and every night before you go to sleep, try to write down five events that happened during your day that you are grateful for. The idea is that even if you are having a really bad day, by focusing on the good things you then change your mindset and start thinking more positively. No matter how bad your day is, even coming up with one positive entry can be enough to reframe how you are feeling. Some days all I managed to put was “I’m happy and grateful that I have three beautiful, healthy children, and a wonderful husband”. That acknowledgement was enough to make me realize how lucky I was and help lift my mood. Don’t just fill in your journal on the bad days, get into the habit of doing it every night and you will find it easier to stay positive and grateful.
3. Redefine yourself
Being an expat spouse often means you have left behind a career of your own to follow your partner. Dwelling on this can cause resentment particularly when you have also left behind friends, colleagues and family. Instead of becoming bitter, use this opportunity to redefine who you are. Is there a hobby you have always wanted to try, a course that interested you or a sport that you never had time to take up? This is your chance to explore what is on offer and follow your heart. There are a limitless number of courses you can now do online, or you can give back to the community by involving yourself in charity work. Being an expat spouse for me meant I had time to devote to my children, something I was very much lacking in my old life back in Melbourne. Think big, be brave and open yourself up to exciting new opportunities that being an expat spouse can offer.
4. Get moving
Being a Certified fitness freak (my children’s words, not mine) this is a really important tool for me. Exercise is a great mood lifter. One of my favorite sayings is “Your only one exercise session away from a good mood”. Exercise has been proven to release endorphins, adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine. These chemicals all work together to make you feel good. The benefit of continued exercise is that you start to feel fitter, stronger and gain increased self-esteem. Involving yourself in physical activity is also a great way to meet people and make new friends.
5. Phone home
When im having a bad day, I find it really helpful to reach for the phone and call my older sister. I know the call will make me feel happy and I can catch up on what is happening in the “real” world that I left behind. An update on my sisters, brother, nieces and nephews reconnects me with their lives, which is so important to me. Whether it is a family member or friend, make contact with someone who will lift your mood and bring some normality back into your day.
6. Embrace a new culture
Its important to remember that we are the foreigners in the new country we move to. Learn about the history, religion and customs of the people you are living amongst. Respect their differences and put judgment aside. You can enrich your life enormously by being open and accepting of your “host” country, and sharing that knowledge with your visitors. The more you learn about the country you are living in the more you will understand the culture and make sense of the customs that seem so foreign to us.
7. Reframe your perspective
When you are having a particularly bad day, I want you to try this simple exercise. Write a short paragraph about what happened to upset you and describe how you are feeling. Don’t hold back, use emotional, descriptive words and get it all out on paper. Leave it on the table for about 5mins then come back and read over it and think about your reactions to the situation/event. Did you get upset, angry, withdraw into your cave, run away?
The second step is to rewrite the same situation but do it from a different angle. Instead of looking at the negatives, try to find what the situation/event taught you. How can you avoid this happening again? What would have been a better response? By reframing your perspective and using the experience/event as a learning curve you are creating a positive thought process and a new awareness of yourself.
What’s important to remember is that it is your attitude that will make a difference. Throw yourself into your new life, and you will reap the rewards. If anyone has any other tools that they think would help an expat spouse to settle and adapt, I would love to hear them.